Sunday, 21 June 2015

Do It Like They Do It On The Discovery Channel

Fed up with the furore surrounding the lead female running away from killer Dino's in high heels (she was wearing the high heels not the Dino's) and sick of over zealous, idiotic critics lambasting summer blockbusters I've decided enough is enough. Get a life and rediscover your fun or go and review something else...

Do you want to know what I did on Saturday morning? I took my kids to a showing of the latest Sponge Bob Square Pants movie. Do you want to know why? Because they really like him and that's kinda what going to the cinema is about. They sat there for over an hour in silence, enthralled by the juvenile antics of a stupid piece of sponge and they absolutely loved it. It entertained them and although I wasn't the slightest bit interested I loved that they were. So when the credits rolled and we got up to leave I asked them what they thought of the film. When they replied that they had really found Sponge Bob funny and that they wanted to watch it again do you know what I didn't do? I didn't subject them to a huge tirade about how the film lacked plot and subtlety, how the characterisations were banal and pointless and how even the toilet humour was so bad it missed the mark more noticeably than Adam Sandler on a really bad day. I didn't do that because I still recognise that watching a film is supposed to be entertaining and that sometimes, not always but sometimes, entertainment is more important than dotting every i and crossing every t. 

The recent release of Jurassic World has got some critics and wannabe critics (by wannabe I mean anyone with an opinion and a twitter account) foaming at the mouth. It seems that the fact that Claire is running around wearing "inappropriate footwear" has got certain people more annoyed than the other issue. The other issue, if you remember from the original Jurassic Park, is that some of the dinosaurs featured in the film are not from the Jurassic period. I'm no paleo...paleoto... dinosaur experty man so I will have take the word of the boring ones on this occasion. I make the following observation though. GET A LIFE! seriously, download one, buy one or borrow one, but procure one from somewhere. While you are at it try and find a life seller that will also do you a BOGOF on a sense of fun as well. Because you and vast swathes of the film going elite have lost that as well. Who cares whether some of the dinosaurs are not from the correct era, that's not why we are watching. Besides what were they going to call the film? Jurassic (Other dinosaur inhabiting periods of designated history are available) Park, not as catchy is it? Doesn't lend itself to a particularly lucrative marketing campaign and there is no way it would fit on a lunch box! I grew up watching Dino TV and films which featured this sort of thing:


Or this:

Isn't that the Chewit Dinosaur?

great entertainment but even back in the day it could never be accused of being realistic. I remember watching, open mouthed, as the Dino's with the long necks walked out of the lake to the brilliant John Williams score. Watching Jurassic Park was like seeing real, living dinosaurs and my enjoyment of the film was not in the slightest bit dented by incorrect science. That's the problem with you people who over analyse films. You've forgotten what it is to enjoy a film just because it entertains. There are some films that need to get the details right, historical and factual based films must get it right because they are attempting to retell important events. Summer Blockbusters (ironic that I am writing this on the weekend that Jaws celebrates its 40th Anniversary) exist to entertain and no one should give the slightest care that some of the specific detail is a little iffy. The people that are loudly and irritatingly objecting to Jurassic World would also love to point out that we shouldn't enjoy Superman because Clark Kent's flimsy disguise of a misplaced kiss curl and glasses wouldn't fool anyone. Or perhaps that Batman should be avoided because seriously? A successful, MultiMillionaire who runs a huge corporate business moonlighting as a mask wearing super hero? Who is going to believe that? Don't even get them started on poor old Indiana Jones and even less the dodgy science surrounding Back To The Future. I bet their heads must almost be at the point of explosive gloopyness at the dizzying thought of the terrible time travelling terror embodied in The Terminator. One can imagine them, scratching their heads in confusion, John Connor sends his own father back to save his mother and give birth to him. AAAAAHHHHH! 
Seriously no one is going to believe this is accurate
A big budget action movie or blockbuster doesn't need to make sense, yes in order to be successful it needs to hang together, but you don't go and see Raiders of the Lost Ark for spot on biblical or historically accurate scenes. You go and see Raiders to enjoy Harrison Ford in a leather jacket, hat and whip seriously kicking Nazi butt. I didn't go and see Jurassic World hoping to be informed and to have my knowledge of dinosaurs significantly increased. I watched the film because I love seeing huge, highly dangerous and extremely toothy creatures cause bloody mayhem on screen. You gotta love a bit of Dino disaster its in our DNA! Life is full of hard slogging tiredness and life can also be a bit too much to cope with. Surely, one of the great things about a big action film is that it takes us away from reality for a little while. So, to the idiots that want to point out the problems and to turn every film into some sort of feminist vehicle. Stop ruining everybody's fun, get a grip and try and remember back to a time when you just wanted to be entertained. 

The Birdcage

If at any stage you find yourself unable to contain your derisive and,normally incredibly pointless rants, about how (insert the latest blockbusters title) is so unbelievable and how (insert the relevant female characters name) is ridiculous for running around wearing a pink feather boa and 6ft high heels, then please follow this recommendation. Don't, just don't, trust me it does you no favours and you just end up looking like a whole bunch of no fun. If you really must insist on living your life with every fact correct and perfectly rendered then I suggest you contain yourself to the History Channel or the Discovery Channel. They're great at that sort of thing and your blood rate will never increase again! It is the irony of ironies that the type of people that love to flaunt their self identified intellect in this way are also the same people that insist on only promoting Hollywood mainstream. Unaware, it seems, that the most intelligent and thrusting of cinema is to be found in the independent arena. It is my hope that as this thriving and groundbreaking, cinematic revolution continues we will leave the real dinosaurs behind. 

David Martin is a firm believer in wider reading but also spends his time watching horror films and going to the theatre. He has been known to venture outside but prefers worlds he can imagine. Follow him on Twitter at @ventspleen2014

Images courtesy of IMDB 

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