Thursday, 7 May 2015

Poll Day Bloody Poll Day

It's Polling Bloody Poll Day and steven harris gives you a helpful guide on how to vote, you're welcome...

Here are some dos and don’ts to help you appreciate what today is all about.

Do remember to pop along to your local polling booth at some stage during the hours of godawful o’clock in the morning and how do we get a babysitter at this time of night in the evening and to then enter one of the little cubicles, do a toilet then enter one of the voting cubicles, scribble an X next to the candidate you are voting for or write “Fuck shit piss wank cock and jism to the lot of you” across your ballot paper and drop it into the black box (which will at no time sing ‘Ride On Time’). This is Poll Day Bloody Poll Day.

Don’t start scything a field with your top off staring moodily into the middle distance now and then, ride a horse across empty but quite beautiful terrain while wearing a cloak under which you might well still not have a top on or change your name to Ross. That’s Poldark Bloody Poldark.

Do remember to encourage your friends and family to vote because people have fought and died for the right to vote down the centuries and it would be a dishonour to them not to at least muster the energy to head down and scribble facetious comments on the ballot paper as mentioned above so that the electoral assessors at least know people made a conscious protest rather than assuming people couldn’t be arsed to get involved in the single chance at engagement with our alleged democracy that is offered every four or five years. This is Poll Day Bloody Poll Day.

Don’t dress in a g-string so tiny it might as well be a piece of dental floss with which you’re attempting to garrotte your own anal sphincter and do lurid, sexually suggestive movements to bump and grind music getting all sweaty and pretending to do intimate things with your fingers or your tongue. That’s Pole Dance Bloody Pole Dance.

Do remember to tell the nosey bastards outside the polling station that it’s really none of their fucking business who you have voted for so why don’t they sod off home and wait for the results of the election like everybody else? This is Poll Day Bloody Poll Day.

Don’t purchase a massive canvas, lay it flat in a large studio or warehouse or even outside then proceed to throw paint at it, walk across it, smear paint and other substances around on the canvas with a stick or a bicycle wheel or your arse or the lower intestines of a pig or breakfast cereals or orang-utans. That’s Pollock Bloody Pollock (and a tiny bit of Monty Python and the Holy Grail).

Do remember that your vote is your voice. It might not seem to you as though a single voice amongst millions makes much difference but it really can. Some constituencies are so close on election day that those counting the votes have to do so several times until they are certain they have a result. And anyway, if you don’t speak up today of all days then you can shut the fuck up until 2020 when the next election comes around. This is Poll Day Bloody Poll Day.

Just one incongruous thing to add. Ross Poldark? Ross? Is he going to have an on/off relationship with someone called Rachel throughout the series? Is he going to buy a pet monkey for a while until the scriptwriters get bored of trying to find new ways of making the monkey doing shits into people’s hats and shoes funny? It’s not a very 18th century name, is it? Where are his friends Lord Chandler of Bing and Sir Joseph of Tribianni?

Anyway, as you were. Go vote now.

steven harris is adverse to putting his name in capitals because names aren't that important. Also, lower case is sexy. steven writes all sorts of stuff including fiction, poetry, songs, opinion pieces and shopping lists. He does not write on lavatory doors any more. his blog has writing in it and can be located at He lives in Devon with an imaginary cat called Kafka.

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