Thursday, 7 May 2015

General Election 2015: How Do You Watch Yours?

Polling Day has arrived, whatever your opinion of the Electoral System, today the peoples of our Septic Isle are voting for who should govern our country for the next five years. Unless we end up with a Minority Government, in which case it will be for a matter of minutes! So, you've voted and now you have another choice, the choice of who you align yourself with to take you through the electoral night. Here is my handy guide...

Personally, I think no one executes coverage of these sort of events like the BBC and once again they have such sights to show you. Helmed, as always, by the marvellous national treasure that is David Dimbleby (or Dumbledore to the rest of us) and boasting the return of the awesome, time honoured wonder that is the swingometer. I love the swingometer and although Jeremy Vine is wonderfully capable, I miss Peter Snow and his bandy legged enthusiasm, as he waved his arms around dramatically throughout the evening. Interesting to note that the highly talented Laura Kuenssberg is monitoring social media, which as we know is a very good way of measuring both the spread of opinion and also the lunacy. Present to is the heavy weight political interviewer, Andrew Neil, he does have an annoying habit of interrupting when he grills people. But as we all know, politicians are adept at vearing off point and avoiding even the most direct question. The lovely Sophie Raworth and Emily Maitlis will be analysing the results as they come in and I really, really like the sound of this presenting team. Yes, I am in it for the long hall and I will be staying up all night as I seriously believe that this is one of the most interesting elections in recent times Not for the personalities, because there aren't any, but because of how close it is between the parties. 5 years ago all the interesting stuff happened after Election Day, this time the shocks will come throughout the night and I want in. Added to this is the Scottish question, as in are we going to see an SNP white wash (surely that's a yellow wash, but ewwww yellow snow)? Passionate lot they are but this would amount to a substantial change in Scottish politics. The BBC coverage is very serious but huge fun as they will get the big names to interview and its bloody fun watching a politician squirm.

If the BBC's coverage is a bit too main stream for you, then you can join Jeremy Paxo (yyyyyeeeeessss) on Channel 4 for a night of alternative coverage. Highlight will, i'm sure, be David Mitchell's phone in. It's gonna be a distinctly hit or miss affair but you cant go far wrong with Paxman's sneering style. Personally, I have to ask what's alternative about it? Comedians attempting political satire isnt alternative and if Rory Bremner isn't there I'm not interested. Bizarely, ITV have vaulted onto the Election band wagon, as they do. For once there isnt a sniff of Adrian (I'm the most boring presenter in the history of presenting) Chiles and we can give thanks for that. Political Editor, Tom Bradby is chairing the program and he is joined by... other people. Seriously, why would you choose any other channel but the BBC. However, here is how they could make it better


Join Alan Rickman as he presents the BBC coverage of Election Night and with fffffish in hand enunciates perfectly through the nights events. In a change from recent years the Swingometer has been scrapped and replaced with the Swing Your PantsOmeter. The Eighties Legends, Trev and Simon will take you through possible outcomes. Swing Your Pants to the Left or Right but pray they don't illustrate a Well Hung Parliament. The task of interviewing key Political figures will be given to the Vogon Captain. With his downbeat style and intolerance to apathy he is sure to be more than a match for even the most deceitful of Party members. "Apathetic bloody country I have no sympathy at all, energise the demolition beam" Outside broadcasts have been set up around the country and our very own John Mccririck will be poking his nose (literally) where its not wanted and stirring up bile and hate wherever he goes. The Scottish vote is of particular interest and we could think of no one better than that bloke who was on Mock The Week, Frankie Boyle, he polarises opinion but then so do the SNP (and the Scots) 

Join us from 9pm tonight.

Whether you choose to watch the coverage or not, there is no doubt that what happens today matters. Even if you are of the opinion that our Electoral System is not fit for purpose it is the one we have currently. We don't have to like it but we do have to live here so get out and vote, or bugger off and go and live in a Dictatorship. 

David Martin is a firm believer in wider reading but also spends his time watching horror films and going to the theatre. He has been known to venture outside but prefers worlds he can imagine. Follow him on Twitter at @ventspleen2014

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