Tuesday, 28 April 2015

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Transformers, robots in disguise? But where's the transforming noise they used to make? That's what I want to know. steven harris wasn't impressed either and you don't want to know what he wanted to call this review really...

Reasons to watch this third gristly lump of turgid, migraine-inducing succession of incrementally insignificant action sequences clustered around a human centre which exudes nothing but emotional vacuum?

Leonard Nimoy voices Sentinel Prime and even gets to say “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few” at one point just to remind us all that he was/wasn’t Spock, according to which of his autobiographies you read.

Er. That’s it.

Megan Fox’s objectified backside has been replaced by the equally objectified body of Richard Whitely, I mean Rosie Huntingdon-Whitely (I always did find the Countdown conundrum tricky). The change of token young woman makes no difference because, just like Fox, ‘our Rosie’ (she’s British) can’t act and contributes nothing beyond the damsel-in-distress scenario familiar to sexually exploited females in most Michael Bay films.

See, there’s reason number one NOT to watch this movie. Same as reason one not to watch the previous two – Bay. More than any other blockbuster director Michael Bay is responsible for the decaying of any attempt to convey the intricacies of human emotional interaction within modern action films. Roland Emmerich hasn’t helped but his films at least pretend they give a shit about something more than crush, kill, destroy.

Wanna know why the otherwise brilliantly realised Avengers Assemble movie disappointed me at the end? Because after largely ploughing his own furrow and allowing connections between characters to drive a great deal of the narrative, Joss Whedon went all Michael Bay come the denouement and burnt a bunch of Decepticon-like alien wankery onto our retinas with no apparent concern for the incongruity of feel created by an unnecessary switch from hero/character plot to blurry destructo-rampage onanism.

That’s how much Bay has shit on film-making, abused and belittled the intelligence of cinema-goers and generally used CGI to set the cause of scriptwriting back to the stone age; he’s even corrupted the work of an otherwise unique and gifted individual who had previously been loitering within Hollywood like a Fifth Columnist for art.

Other reasons not to watch this movie, or any in the franchise? See above, fuckheads. They’re movies to watch with one hand and the other hand isn’t reaching for the popcorn, it’s unable to resist the violence is sex vibe onscreen and is jammed down the undergarments of the viewer whether they actually find formulaic demolition to be an aphrodisiac or not.

Watch the original cartoon series from the 80s instead. It makes more sense. Some of the Autobot and Decepticon voice actors are the same as the guys snatching the money from Bay’s disgustingly grubby fingers in the movies. The merchandise was more na├»ve yet somehow more artistic. Shia LaBeouf was not even born and thus could not waddle in and out of shot before popping a paper bag on his head and pretending to be a former French footballer.

Why did I subject myself to this shit? Michael Bay is holding my soul hostage and if I don’t watch one of his films at least once a week he slices another piece of it off and feeds it to the demon dogs Satan has decided to let Bay keep for his very own.

steven harris is adverse to putting his name in capitals because names aren't that important. Also, lower case is sexy. steven writes all sorts of stuff including fiction, poetry, songs, opinion pieces and shopping lists. He does not write on lavatory doors any more. his blog has writing in it and can be located at He lives in Devon with an imaginary cat called Kafka.

Follow him on Twitter as @theplanetharris

Images from IMDB

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