Sunday, 5 April 2015

Sunday Nerdy Sunday: Rabid I Movement

Ok, this one is really strange, even for steven harris...

Oh hi, come on in, pull up a cabbage, sit yourself down, would you like a cup of Vicar? There’s a fresh pot brewing. Not sure which diocese. None of that decaff proddy stuff though.

So how have you been? Good, good. Well, when I say good, obviously it is terrible that your limbs have decided to ‘go a different way’ and are now suing you for alimony, but it’s also good because you won’t have those pesky limbs flailing about costing you valuable blood supply and being all walky and pointy.

Me? Oh the same, you know? Yes, that’s right, I really should be proofreading right now. You know that university habit of putting off an essay until every single other chore possible has been attended to? That. That’s how it is today. Can I get you some more hat? This one is stale and I baked two more just this morning.

Wait a moment. I see what you’re doing, Inspector Baker of Tomland Yard. You’re trying to get all Colombo on me and make me confess to not writing a proper Sunday Nerdy Sunday piece this week, aren’t you? Well you can take your “Just one more thing” and your “My wife thinks you’re terrific” and your cult appearance in Der Himmel ├╝ber Berlin and you can stick them where the sunshine on a rainy day makes my soul…

I’ve got a gun, you know. Well, not exactly a gun. It’s a banana but similar. And a good source of potassium. Yes that’s right, Ninth Doctor. Also a riff continued through Tenth and Eleventh Doctors here and there. Bananas are good. We like bananas. The black bits are not spiders’ eggs so I don’t care what Noel Fielding says. He’s a strange looking manlady. I want to sleep with him.

Oops, what a giveaway. Forget I even mentioned Alabama, okay?

Let’s just take a minute to survey our surroundings, be in the here and now. Look over there in that corner. That’s Michael Stipe. Unless I’m very much mistaken he appears to have mislaid his religion again. I’ve told him time and again to put it on a little chain around his neck but does he listen? Maybe he does listen but his ears are full of chlorine from all that nightswimming and he can’t hear me properly. He probably thinks I’m talking about the one he loves or something. His face is blue.

Two by two, face of blue, stealing Whedon dialogue but altering it slightly just for you. I do not like green Bez or spam. I do not like David Camera-man.

Stop hitting me. You cannot adjust the vertical hold that way. Normal cervix will be assumed as tune and floss a bull. Or words that sound similar if you’ve got chlorine in your ear. I’m just going to stand in the place that I love. That’ll help.

Did you watch? Me too. Wasn’t she great? And superbly directed by. Loved the framing and camerawork too. He’s a genius. She’s a genius. We’re all geniuseseseses. Genii. Genus. Genie. I miss Robin Williams.

Which just about wraps everything up with a neat bow on it until next time. Will Batman be able to stop Robin from stealing his socks? Can Dick Barton escape the clutches of a clutching thing that is extremely clutchy? What do The Lone Ranger and Tonto do alone at night together when there’s nobody watching? Can Flash Gordon please stop being a lantern-jawed pilchard now please? Tune in never and don’t find out.

steven harris is adverse to putting his name in capitals because names aren't that important. Also, lower case is sexy. steven writes all sorts of stuff including fiction, poetry, songs, opinion pieces and shopping lists. He does not write on lavatory doors any more. his blog has writing in it and can be located at He lives in Devon with an imaginary cat called Kafka.

Follow him on Twitter at @theplanetharris

1 comment:

  1. Mmmm. That's a different type of blog. Not sure what to make of the ramblings, but I'm sure they entertain many a bleary-eyed Easter Sunday morning blog reader. You never answered the question of whether Bartman can hide his socks in time. Maybe next blog. ;-)