Sunday, 5 April 2015

Star Trek: Into Darkness

steve harris often goes where no man has gone before but this is really too much..

Damn it, Jim, I’m a small furry creature from Alpha Centuri not a doctor. No, hang on, I AM a doctor. I’m Bones McCoy. No, no I’m not, I’m steven harris and I’m reviewing Star Trek: Into Darkness. I remember now. A hazelnut in every bite. I may have remembered the wrong thing…
When the first reboot starburst its way onto our screens in 2009 I wanted to have JJ Abrams’ babies. I wanted to kiss him and pet him and squeeze him for so brilliantly reinventing the franchise for a new generation whilst at the same time paying such beautiful homage to the original 1960s TV series.
One actor aside, the casting was perfect. Sorry Simon Pegg, I fucking love you man but your attempt at a Scottish accent is far worse than James Doohan’s was and you’re really not right for the part. Everyone else, as you were. I adore you.

On first viewing in 2013 this sequel was a fun-ride of effects, Bones saying insanely exasperated things, Kirk being brave and stupid, Spock being logical and occasionally a prudish twonk, Sulu being underused, Uhuru being ohmygodshessofuckingsexyimaloveherimaloveherallforeverandthat.

One cold shower later.

Oh and Bendyback Cumblebat being bloody awesome as Khan both in terms of delivering the dialogue and in terms of punch-kick-murder-rage bastardry.
However, I was left feeling it did not quite live up to the 2009 film come the end. Well, I was wrong. Wrong harris. You were wrong. Ha ha ha.
The dialogue is actually even better than the first movie and the actors have settled into their characters that little bit more (except Pegg who can’t work out if he’s from Glasgow, Hackney, fucking Brigadoon or if he’s some kid who won a competition to appear in Star Trek). The visuals are even better. The opening scenes culminate in a masturbatory shot of the Enterprise rising from an alien ocean to remind us all that the ship is just as much a character as any of the humanoids. Abrams understands subtlety, however, so the wank-factor of this scene is improved by the brevity of it all, unlike the first ever Star Trek ‘motion picture’ in 1979 which included a dull as Titan water extended Enterprise money shot which went on and on and on and is in fact still continuing to this very day which is why nobody cares what the hell V-Ger turned out to be (apart from Carl Sagan).

Oh yes. They went there. They went there with a twisty twist of twistedness to prove that this is an alternate timeline no matter that a character from the second original motion picture The Wrath of Khan appears in this storyline too. It’s not Kirk who yells this name like it is the filfthiest expletive known to uncle-fucking man. No, it’s Spock because it’s not Spock who is uncle-fucking dead. No, it’s Kirk. Just for a bit but then a Tribble massages his prostate until he recovers. Or something.
Punchy, fighty, clunk, kapow. The fight scenes are way better than Shatner fighting a man in a lizard suit and ending up with a rip in his shirt, his hair slightly out of place and some blood seeping from one side of his mouth. These fight scenes hurt the eyes as though Crumplehorn’s fists have erupted from the screen to smack you in your uncle-fucking face.
They did not kill Kenny. He’s not even in the movie.

Second time around it’s better than Star Trek, 2009 version. But I know that next time I sit down to watch the 2009 film that one will slightly edge Into Darkness. Long may that toing and froing continue. JJ Abrams, you’re an uncle-fucking genius. Please don’t rape Star Wars.

steven harris is adverse to putting his name in capitals because names aren't that important. Also, lower case is sexy. steven writes all sorts of stuff including fiction, poetry, songs, opinion pieces and shopping lists. He does not write on lavatory doors any more. his blog has writing in it and can be located at He lives in Devon with an imaginary cat called Kafka.

Follow him on Twitter at @theplanetharris

Images from IMDB, Wikipedia

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