Thursday, 16 April 2015


steven harris wanted to like this one, honestly, he really did...

Psst, wanna know how to make a script about the discovery of time travel – one of the most potentially exciting prospects ever – into the most dull film that has ever existed? You do? Watch Primer. That’s how you do it.

Several office cock-boffins talk cock-boffin bullshit a lot amongst themselves, worry about normal person stuff like money and their relationships to prove their not really cock-boffins, they’re just like you and me, yet lack any charisma whatsoever thus proving that they are just cock-boffins after all and should have been drowned at the first script edit.

In fact, you know I said ‘watch Primer’ a couple of paragraphs back? Well I apologise. Don’t. Don’t ever watch Primer. It’s the biggest piece of dullard shit about cock-boffins you would ever disgrace your eyes and mind with and you would then hate me forever because I used the words ‘watch Primer’.

Do something different instead. Do anything but watch Primer. It’s a sunny day. Go play frisbie in the park and see if you can avoid surreptitiously staring at the cleavages of young men who have stripped down to their bikinis to play hacky-sack. Remove your own epiglottis with a fish hook. Saunter round to Downing Street with a ukulele and sing ‘Fuck Off Back To Eton’ to any passing Prime Minister you might encounter.

Do anything except watching Primer. Spend the entirety of your life avoiding watching Primer so that when you are ancient and breathing your last contented breath on your deathbed you can tell your gathered loved ones that you are so glad steven harris told you never to watch Primer because it’s the biggest load of shit about time travel conceivable.

You sir, madam, indiscriminately gendered neutron-being, are completely fucking welcome.

steven harris is adverse to putting his name in capitals because names aren't that important. Also, lower case is sexy. steven writes all sorts of stuff including fiction, poetry, songs, opinion pieces and shopping lists. He does not write on lavatory doors any more. his blog has writing in it and can be located at He lives in Devon with an imaginary cat called Kafka.

Follow him on Twitter as @theplanetharris

Images from IMDB

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