Monday, 6 April 2015

Cube (Not the TV series the Film, silly)

steve harris wakes up all confuddled inside a strange metalic Cube. He might have got out alive but we still arent sure...

Back in 1997 nobody had made a film about some people appearing for no reason in a cubic prison made up, for no reason, of interconnecting rooms which were either safe to enter or booby trapped and could kill you for no reason. Really, for no reason. No explanations are proven to be correct: each character’s take on the why and the how of the weird, freaky, torturous chamber of weird, freaky tortuous chambers they find themselves in is as likely to be utterly false as it is liable to be a cunningly hidden narrative resolution.

Who cares why? There are deaths and clever people and a doctor and a cop and a convict and an idiot savant who proves not to be so idiotic after all as his mathematical genius is the only reason why anyone has a chance of figuring the Cube out and escaping. Oh, and he’s the only one who does escape. Maybe he isn’t autistic after all. Maybe he’s the guy who put the other people in the Cube and then went all Keyser Soze to fuck with their heads some more? Don’t ask me, I didn’t write it. Canadians did. Clever Canadians.

The first time I watched the movie I spent half the screen time trying to work out where in the hell I’d seen the woman playing Leaven before. Eventually I realised she’d been in episodes of The Kids In The Hall as a real female when any one of five men dressing up as women in various Pythonesque sketches wasn’t deemed enough. Altogether now, “I’m squashing your head…”

Then I realised she was far more important than a sketch show extra, she was Ezri Dax in Deep Space Nine for fucking fuckety’s fucking sake! So, basically, I spent some of 1998 and 99 staring romantically at her henna-scribbled features on my television screen. Which is after Cube was made so forget I mentioned it until a year, a year and a half after you read this review, ok? Thanks.

Um, yeah, the other actors are all actors. I haven’t Googled them. You can if you like. I’m not paid by Google to mention Google quite often in my reviews. I’m not paid by Tom Baker to mention Tom Baker in most of my Sunday Nerdy Sunday columns. But if they want to send me chocolates, flowers and gold then I won’t complain. What was I saying?

Oh yeah, basically I hadn’t heard of the others. Oh and the second time I watched Cube I spent half the screen time trying to work out where in the hell I’d seen the woman playing Leaven before. Early onset Alzheimer’s perhaps? Short attention sp…

Look at the leaves in the gutter. Nice. Ooh cars make funny noises.

Shit, concentrate steve. You can finish this review.

Oh was I reviewing?


It seems more like random notions vaguely linked to the topic I wrote as a title.

Well when you find a style, run with it.

I want more life, fucker.

Now that’s got nothing to do with anything.


Nothing to do with anything to do with Cube.

Oh right. Sorry.

Continue at all?

Sure. So everyone dies except the one who doesn’t die. It’s psychological terror in confined spaces and everyone dies except the one who doesn’t die. No cubes were harmed in the making of the movie. Nor any actors. Because they were acting. It isn’t real, people. What are you like? Yes I’m all for suspending disbelief but an entertainment is still an entertainment. Even when it’s not very entertaining. Which this is. It IS entertaining. Would I have watched it more than once if it wasn’t? No. So there. Bye.

steven harris is adverse to putting his name in capitals because names aren't that important. Also, lower case is sexy. steven writes all sorts of stuff including fiction, poetry, songs, opinion pieces and shopping lists. He does not write on lavatory doors any more. his blog has writing in it and can be located at He lives in Devon with an imaginary cat called Kafka.

Follow him on Twitter at @theplanetharris

Images From IMDB

No comments:

Post a comment