Saturday, 28 March 2015

The Green Hornet

steven harris really must have been bored to watch this and whats with the sequel idea. Well played Hollywood (slow handclap)......

I don’t really see a point to this movie. The Green Hornet was a second rate radio serial in the 30s and has never really merited a place amongst the mask-wearing vigilante good guys who act sort of bad to do good ever since. A TV movie version in the 60s was notable only because Bruce Lee kicked ass as Kato, The Green Hornet’s martial arts buddy/sidekick/racial stereotype.

Another reason I don’t see a point to this movie is I think Seth Rogan is shit. In everything, especially the things he writes. He thinks he’s Will Ferrell but he lacks Ferrell’s charm. His style of alleged humour is puerile, crass, misogynistic, and borders on the homophobic. He makes the Farrelly brothers look sophisticated for chrissakes. 
So no, I wasn’t going to love this film. I didn’t bother going to watch it at the cinema when it was released in 2011 and I’ve only watched it on an online streaming service now because I was bored shitless at the time. Oh and because I saw that Christoph Waltz was playing the bad guy. He generally rocks but he can’t save this pile of donkey’s dropping on his own, poor chap.

And what the hell happened to the career of Cameron Diaz? Why is she still making crap like this twenty years after boosting her profile in a similarly overrated but at least occasionally funny film called The Mask? Oh dear, is it blasphemy to say I don’t really rate The Mask either? Tough. Jim Carrey has made three good films in his entire life and The Mask isn’t one of them.

Plot. Er, stupid millionaire schmuck is a selfish twat, blah blah, his dad dies, blah blah, he forms a bromance with one of the staff who unrealistically happens to be something of a technological genius (Kato) bah blah, crime in the city blah blah oh god I don’t care, I just don’t fucking care. I was bored at the opening credits. I was bored when Rogan first opened his offensive gob. I was bored when the inevitable Asian misidentification ‘jokes’ came along. I was bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored.

The script is lame, the action scenes predictable, the narrative progression slow and obvious, the acting so hammy that it’s impossible to tell whether they meant to ham it up in a 60s Batman sort of way or whether all involved are simply grabbing their paycheck and trying to remember their lines. Apart from Waltz, who brings genuine edge and the only real humour to the entire piece.

I’ve had lumps of gristle left on my plate after a fatty meat dinner which are more compelling than this movie. I’ve had more entertaining bowel movements. Being shot in the face with a table would be more interesting. I hope to fuck they don’t make a sequel. Oh shit, apparently they’re going to. Somebody shoot a table gun at Seth Rogan.

Images from IMDB

steven harris is adverse to putting his name in capitals because names aren't that important. Also, lower case is sexy. steven writes all sorts of stuff including fiction, poetry, songs, opinion pieces and shopping lists. He does not write on lavatory doors any more. his blog has writing in it and can be located at He lives in Devon with an imaginary cat called Kafka.

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